Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
