May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
