Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
