Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
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New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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