Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
