Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He? As in you personified your dick?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
