Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You took a bar mat shot.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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