I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
