You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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