I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
