i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
