I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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