i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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