I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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