He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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