I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
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