At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Someone signed my nipple.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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