I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
