matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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