I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Green mimosas i think yes
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
