I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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