I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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