I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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