The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
