Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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