you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
