You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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