You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
