trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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