Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
