ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
