turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We had sex on a dog bed..
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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