Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
