i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Randomize
