Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
