are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize