I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
