I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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