return my video game
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Non-Jews are for practice
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Of course I have a pirate flag
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
