My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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