I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
