My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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