I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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