Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
