im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Randomize
