chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize