I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
