@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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