I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
