He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
