he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
