Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
