I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
